Hanna Marie Pölchen (WiSe 2025-26)
1. Introduction
1.1 Coming out as a seemingly self-evident practice
“The closet implies a literal, physical boundary dividing one’s life before publicly declaring queerness, and after. It’s a threshold impossible to recross, two distinct places to live: in the darkness, or in the light of one’s self-truth. It doesn’t promise stepping into the light will be easy, but it does imply a fundamentally altered human experience.” (Perry 2021, p. 80)
I chose this quote because, to me, it perfectly depicts the weight that the process of coming out (of the closet) holds: this lifted weight, that will change your experience forever.
This definition also implies that coming out is seen as a necessary process in the life of a queer person today. It frames coming out not as a choice but as a requirement for authenticity.
Whether it’s ‘Heartstopper’, ‘Atypical’, ‘Young Royals’, or even ‘Stranger Things’, even in mainstream media, a queer person’s journey inevitably crosses the path of a (public) coming out. No matter where you look, coming out is presented as the step, and the only step, toward self-fulfilment and empowerment. This is something I wish to discuss in this essay.
Additionally, this essay focuses on the ambivalence that the coming out process holds. There is this self-empowerment and freedom that comes with coming out. But does coming out not also enforce the differences between queer and straight people? Does it not also risk conformity to the heteronormative society that forces you to speak out your truth of difference or otherness and to put a label on yourself?
After considering this ambivalence, I will also investigate possibilities of the future. Are there alternatives to coming out and do we even need them? What can be done to rid the practice of coming out from its normative influences?
1.2 My positionality
To give a scope of my insight on this topic and to take accountability for my positions, I must first talk about my positionality.
As a cis bisexual white woman in a lesbian relationship, I have come out multiple times with varying outcomes. I do recognize that as a white middle class woman, I have a lot of privileges that have protected me from harm, which influences me and my positionality greatly. Therefore, my opinions and perspectives require critical examination.
Nonetheless, I have experienced various reactions ranging from pleasant surprise and indifference to negative responses mixed with denial. These experiences have shaped my understanding of coming out as a practice and allow me a nuanced insight on the ambivalence of coming out.
2. Coming out – visibility and self-empowerment
2.2 The history of coming out
First, to better understand the ambivalence of coming out, we must take a quick look at the history behind it. At this point I must also mention, that this essay focuses exclusively on coming out in relation to sexual orientation and does not address coming out in terms of gender identity. That is because expanding the discussion to include gender identity would significantly broaden the scope for this discussion. Moreover, I feel that as a cis woman, I am not able to judge and comment on this fully.
Grace Perry (2021) writes in her aforementioned novel, that ‘coming out’ was not a reference to leaving your self-repression and escaping the darkness of hiding your true self. Instead, the term ‘coming out’ was used to as an analogy to come out into gay society, much like aristocratic women came out into society. Therefore, coming out was originally meant as acknowledgement of your sexual orientation for yourself and others who were part of the LGBTQ+ community, not the broad public.
Only through the Stonewall Rebellion in 1969, openly and proudly talking about your identity to the world was popularised and connected to the term ‘coming out’. Other instances, like Harvey Milk’s campaign in 1978 or activists in the 1980s demanding people to declare their sexuality to the public, made coming out a much more official and public process (Saguy, 2020).
For example, Milk’s campaign against the ban of gay teachers was led with his mantra to ‘Come out, Come out, Wherever you are’ to encourage people to come out to their social surroundings. This was meant to make queer people more visible to the broader public and to make people realise that queer people are not just a distant minority but in fact, all around. This same mantra was then later used by activists in the 1980s to achieve this same goal (Saguy, 2020).
We can see that throughout the past six decades, coming out has experienced a shift from being something personal and intimate to something radical that expresses political resistance. But what impact does coming out still have today?
2.2 Coming out as a practice of self-empowerment
Kazeem and Schaffer (2012) describe bell hooks’ understanding of self-empowerment (of People of Color) as the act of taking or reclaiming agency by talking back. In doing this, you are fighting against the outside definition of others and instead get the chance to control the discourse about you.
Connecting this concept to coming out, the self can be empowered by talking back and declaring their sexuality publicly to reject outside definition. Even if it is only a coming out to yourself, you are being truthful about your own feelings and shutting out definitions of others about you. However, this act of talking back still happens within the dominant discourse and with terms legible to the dominant society.
So, in what ways can the process of coming out empower you? When speaking about your own identity, besides refusing outside definition, you moreover become visible, both to others and to yourself. Coming out can make your experiences and feelings more real and make you feel more connected to yourself. You won’t have to suppress any feelings anymore or doubt yourself as much. It can create a sense of clarity over who you are, what you want and feel (Allsorts Youth Project, 2020).
Additionally, it pushes you to surround yourself with people that are good for you and accepting of you, as you inevitably face rejection and/or acceptance. You realize who supports you no matter what and likes you for who you actually are. You also realize who only liked you because of their own definition of you.
This also opens the possibility to find other like-minded people, that have experienced similar things and feelings as you. Thus, making you feel less alone and realizing that your feelings are valid and completely normal. Through this you build yourself a support system, that helps you overcome hardships and stands by your side. These people will furthermore help you find the courage to fight back (or rather talk back) when facing discrimination or unfairness.
A poem that shows this solidarity and support well, is the poem “An Invitation To A Brave Space” by Mickey Scottbey Jones (2020), which we have already discussed in our seminar. Especially the lines: “In this space / We seek to turn down the volume of the outside world. / We amplify voices that fight to be heard elsewhere, / We call each other to more truth and love / […]” (Jones, ll. 5-8), as well as the following “It will be our brave space together, / And / We will work on it side by side” (italic by Jones (2020), ll. 14-16), demonstrate this.
Coming out can also lift a heavy weight off your shoulders as you don’t have to hide a big part of your identity from others anymore. There is no more fear that you might be ‘found out’, that you are discovered in your hiding place. You don’t have to overthink your words, your actions, your body language or other subtle hints to your sexuality anymore but can freely express your thoughts and feelings. This is a huge relief that can be felt every day in lots of different situations (Allsorts Youth Project, 2020).
What I describe here was also summarized by Belle Ragins (2004) as following: “Concealing a stigmatized identity has been found in some studies to lead to psychological stress and depression [..] and concealment may also prevent the establishment of close and authentic relationships at work [..].” In this text, Ragins (2004) focuses on sexual identity in the workplace, but this is just as applicable in everyday situations.
Personally, I always felt relieved whenever I came out, no matter the reaction of the other person. Of course, I experienced feelings such as anger, self-doubt and fear when the other person reacts negatively, but at least the weight of feeling like I had to tell the other person vanished.
3. Coming out as a compulsory visibility and the burden of disclosure
The easiest way to understand the ambivalence of coming out is by looking at ‘heteronormativity’. According to the European Union Agency for Fundamental Rights (2009), “heteronormativity is what makes heterosexuality seem coherent, natural and privileged. It involves the assumption that everyone is ‘naturally’ heterosexual, and that heterosexuality is an ideal, superior to [other sexualities].” Meaning, straight people do not have to come out, since being straight is seen as the ‘default sexuality’ by the dominant society. Meanwhile every other identity is seen as an anomaly, as atypical. Therefore, in openly declaring your sexuality, you also declare to be different and conform to the heteronormative notion that you are an anomaly.
Another problem with coming out is this certain necessity to label yourself. Some people feel content with just stating that they’re queer, while others feel that they need to have a label figured out before they can talk about their sexuality openly, me included.
The latter can be defined by the term ‘compulsory visibility’, which means that “marginalized people feel like they must prove their group membership […] by making their identities legible through personal and autobiographical expression.” (Kotler, 2024)
Mosley (2025), a professor of human relations, describes the reasoning behind these two different approaches in his article. Here he is talking about mental health labels, however this is just as applicable when it comes to sexuality. Those like me, who feel or felt a necessity to label themselves, do so because giving your feelings a name can feel like clarity and like you finally have a place to belong to. Those who reject labels do so because they feel a certain freedom attached to it, since they can’t be reduced to a stereotype or be put in a box.
This stereotyped thinking is also something we discussed in one of our first seminars. Per definition, stereotypes are “widely held fixed thoughts and beliefs adopted by common members of a group, that represent a particular group of individuals or behaviours as a whole” (Stebbins, 2020). These deeply influence the way others perceive you and what expectations they have of you. Being put into boxes and viewed through a lens of stereotypes is something that happens to everyone, and that happens often. However, when stereotypes are combined with a structural power, they become a tool for discrimination, as we also discussed in our seminar.
But not only does this stereotyping affect other people’s behaviour, it also affects the person that is coming out. The term ‘Queer Impostor Syndrome’ coins one of these effects quite well. It describes the feeling of not feeling ‘queer enough’, of self-doubt and inadequacy (Mclaren, n.d.). There are so many stereotypes about being queer in general and about particular queer identities, such as bi-, pan- or asexual identities. This results in a kind of pressure to fit these stereotypes at least to an extent.
Moreover, labels create this notion that something is fixed and stable. If you give your identity a name, it is assumed that your identity will remain unchanged. What is often overlooked however is that sexual orientation can, for some, change over time. Even more importantly, if you come out even though you are still unsure about your sexual orientation, and later realize that you were wrong, it makes your sexual orientation seem illegitimate to some. The best example for this – even though I am excluding coming out about gender identity in this essay – is when a person comes out as trans and later realises, they were wrong. Though that is only the case for a very small percentage of trans people, many will take this as an example for why being queer is “just a phase” and as validation for their trans- or queerphobia.
4. The ambivalence of coming out and the possibility of alternatives?
But what can you do if you want to live out your identity freely without coming out? The goal, in my eyes, is to someday not be treated differently simply because of your sexual orientation and more importantly, for sexual orientation to not matter as much. Ideally, we would one day live in a world where no one must come out, but people just figure out their preferences on their own terms without pressure. If someone wants to put a label on it and wants to come out, they can, but there wouldn’t be this necessity to do so anymore.
Therefore, I propose, alongside others, to not disclose your sexual orientation through coming out, especially if you are in supportive environment. Instead, you might simply introduce your partner without labeling yourself. For those who are not interested in romantic relationships, this could mean casually expressing that disinterest without disclosing a label. Either way, the most important thing is to be safe and to protect yourself from serious harm.
At the same time, I recognize that this proposal emerges from my own relatively safe social environment. I am also aware that this might not be possible to those facing greater structural risk, intersectional discrimination or material dependence.
Moreover, this approach is not without its limitations. Avoiding disclosure reduces the pressure to conform but it might risk leaving heteronormative notions and assumptions unchallenged. Therefore, it’s important, that queer identities don’t become invisible again. However, refusing to come out does not entail political silence. You can still speak out about discrimination and support the LGBTQ+ community firstly through actions and secondly through words.
Perry (2021, p.80) finds fitting words to conclude this message:
“In hindsight, I was totally incorrect in thinking the only options at this time were ‘in or out of the closet.’ I didn’t know if I was gay or bi or pan or queer or what. I shouldn’t have had to declare anything conclusively. I was eighteen! Experimentation is good and fun and healthy and something everyone should do at some point. Why not take the time and space and energy to figure out what you really want and need sexually?”
Sources
Allsorts Youth Project. (2020) ‘Allsorts of coming out: A coming out resource for young people’. Available at: https://www.stonewall.org.uk/young-futures/lgbtq-support/coming-out#:~:text=The%20term%20%27coming%20out%27%20is,simply%20sharing%20who%20they%20are. (Last accessed: 13.02.2026, 12:57pm)
European Union Agency for Fundamental Rights − FRA (2009) ‘Homophobia and Discrimination on Grounds of Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity in the EU Member States: Part II – The Social Situation’. Available at: https://eige.europa.eu/publications-resources/thesaurus/terms/1384?language_content_entity=en (Last accessed: 07.02.2026, 1:04pm)
Jones, M. (2020) ‘An Invitation to Brave Spaces’. Available at: https://rhfoerger.wordpress.com/2021/09/17/invitation-to-brave-space/ (Last accessed: 30.01.2026, 4pm)
Kazeem, B. and Schaffer, J. (2012) ‘Talking back. bell hooks und Schwarze feministische Ermächtigung’. In Reuter, J. and Karentzos, A. (eds.) Schlüsselwerke der Postcolonial Studies. Wiesbaden: Springer VS, pp. 177-188
Kotler, M. (2024) ‘Queer Impersonality: Compulsory Visibility and the Politics of Form in Modernist Women’s Life Writing’. CUNY Academic Works. Available at:
https://academicworks.cuny.edu/gc_etds/5723 (Last accessed: 08.02.2026, 1:15pm)
Mclaren, L. (n.d.) ‘Queer Imposter Syndrome and What To Do About it’. Available at: https://www.beyondpsychologycenter.com/blog/queer-imposter-syndrome (Last accessed: 06.02. 5:30pm)
Mosley, S. (2025) ‘When Labels Hurt, and When They Heal. Why denying or overusing mental health labels can both lead us astray’. Available at: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/deeper-empathy-lasting-change/202508/when-labels-hurt-and-when-they-heal (Last accessed: 08.02.2026, 12:48pm)
Perry, G. (2021) ‘The 2000s Made Me Gay: Essays on Pop Culture’. New York: Flatiron Books
Ragins, B. R. (2004) ‘Sexual Orientation In The Workplace: The Unique Work And Career Experiences Of Gay, Lesbian And Bisexual Workers’. In Smith, J. ‘Research in Personnel and Human Resources Management’. Emerald Group Publishing Limited, Vol. 23, pp. 35-120
Saguy, A. (2020) ‘The history of ‘coming out,’ from secret gay code to popular political protest’. UCLA-Magazine. Available at: https://newsroom.ucla.edu/stories/the-history-of-coming-out-from-secret-gay-code-to-popular-political-protest (Last accessed: 08.02.2026, 4:15pm).
Stebbins, L., Lashley, L. K., Golden, C. J. (2020) ‘Stereotype Thinking. Essays in Developmental Psychology’. Available at: https://nsuworks.nova.edu/cps_facbooks/737 (Last accessed: 08.02.2026, 8:14pm)
Quelle: Hanna Marie Pölchen, Coming Out – Between Self-Empowerment and Heteronormative Conformity, in: Blog ABV Gender- und Diversitykompetenz FU Berlin, 24.02.2026, https://blogs.fu-berlin.de/abv-gender-diversity/2026/02/24/coming-out-between-self-empowerment-and-heteronormative-conformity/